Sigh.. It seemed like yesterday when Adrian was still in Singapore..
I remembered the time when we went to Margret Drive for chicken rice..
A TV program showed the place just now!
But they introduced the
jiao zi stall at Margret Drive instead..
It was said that the queue there is quite long..
The crowd interviewed said that the dumplings are very nice..
I want to go there to eat them!!
Dumplings anyone?
i am who i am
4/29/2009 10:40:00 PM
Hm.. Does crying give the impression that one is weak?
I was told a million times by my parents that I am emotionally weak..
Am I really that weak?
They feel that I am uncapable of many things because I cry easily..
This is the main reason why they refused to let me study nursing..
They said that they are afraid that I cannot handle the job well..
But I feel that it was also the reason why I must strengthen myself..
One can become stronger by going through hardship..
I feel like a greenhouse plant.. (温室里的小花)
I am just going die in a worse manner when I step into the society..
I want to grow up.. I need to grow up..
Either they are overprotecting me or they doubt my capabilities..
It makes me feel useless..
Why the hell did I study so much and yet they think I'm incapable?
There are a lot of things that I want to try but I dare not try..
All because others say that I cannot do it..
I feel that what I need is encouragement rather than discouragement..
I need to feel that I can succeed when I do something..
I want them to believe in what I can do instead of what I cannot do..
I wondered if they noticed the change in me ever since I lived in hall..
They don't know the horrible things that I have been through in there..
Maybe the happy things I shared are not great enough in their eyes..
They thought that all I had experienced there was fun..
They think that I have been through a year and a half of shit for nothing?
And to think that they have been praising me more than my siblings..
Shouldn't I be the best they have?
Then what's with all the discouragement?
I think I have the most praises and yet the most discouragement too..
I know that I cry easily.. But I think it's ok to cry..
I do get back on my feet after that.. Isn't that most important?
I have been trying very very hard not to cry so much already..
I thought that it was obvious to them that I have cried lesser now..
Does crying really reflect me as a weak person?
i am who i am
4/29/2009 03:24:00 AM
Sigh.. I hate being a big sister sometimes..
Worse still, the eldest one you can find in the family..
I think that being a big sister had some part in shaping who I am now..
As the eldest, I have to be more understanding towards the young ones..
I have to take care of them, don't let others harm them..
I have to set good examples for them..
I have to act and think more maturely..
I am kind of sick of all these..
It's tiring to be good girl.. a big sister..
Sometimes, I feel like rebelling.. Become a bad girl for once..
I want to be defiable, I don't want to be understanding..
I want to be rid of the responsibilities..
I don't want to be good for the sake of being good..
I don't want people to tell me to do something because I am a big sister..
I feel like I am being forced to grow up because I am a big sister..
I feel like a chicken that has been injected with growth hormones..
I am obliged to think and act more maturely because I am older..
Sometimes, I feel like I did not have enough fun as a young girl..
Most of the time, I was busy being a big sister..
I want the freedom to think immaturely sometimes..
I want to be treated like as if I was the youngest child sometimes..
I want to be free to act and think childishly..
I care far too much of what others think that I lose myself sometimes..
Sometimes, I feel good when I am with friends, especially the older ones..
With them, I don't have to act like a big sister..
I can allow my innocent childish side of me to come out..
I enjoy being protected and taken care of by these big brothers and sisters..
It would be nice if I can have this kind of breaks in the family..
Where I can switch positions with my siblings to let them have a taste of being a big sister for a day or two..
Sigh.. That's where I learn that power comes with responsibility..
But this power is bestowed on my by birth..
There is nothing that I can do about it..
How I wish I can become a hack care sort of sister..
i am who i am
4/27/2009 03:15:00 AM
Sometimes, I wonder if I should put on a mask..
Maybe it will please others more..
Maybe others will like me more like this..
Maybe only then, I can get what I want..
Maybe only then, I will look stronger..
Why is the society in such a state?
Why is everyone putting on their masks?
Why can't we just be natural and show others what we think, how we feel?
Why must we hide our true selves?
Why must we go around and cheat others? And ourselves?
Hm.. A personality test once showed that my public self and true self are quite similar..
It meant that I didn't really have a mask when I go out to meet people..
Hm.. Some have told me that we often need to put on a mask to survive in this society..
Do we really have to put up a strong front and do something even though we don't want to?
I feel that it can cheat others for some time, but not forever..
And must we put on this mask even if we are in front of those closest to us?
I feel that it is weird to do so.. Shouldn't honesty be promoted here?
Hm.. Which should I choose? The mask or my true self?
i am who i am
4/23/2009 01:25:00 AM
If I win a million dollar in a lottery draw, what will I do?
Maybe I will not go out and work..
I might stay home and rot..
Live off the prize money like a retired person living off pension..
I wonder how long will a million dollar last me with my current lifestyle..
Hmm.. It's about 30-40 years worth of an average person's annual salary..
With inflation accounted for, the money should last a good 20 years at least..
I can also do some research and start up a business..
I can also go for an extreme makeover.. Lol..
Donate a portion to charity..
I can even go on a tour around the world!
Ya.. Maybe I should do just this..
Enjoy myself overseas.. Meet new people.. Learn new things..
Wow.. There's really a lot I can do with a million dollars..
I hope this really does happens to me in the near future.. Haha..
i am who i am
4/22/2009 02:06:00 AM
Where should I go from here?
A friend told me that finding a job is actually not difficult..
It is the process of finding the desired job that is difficult..
What I find difficult now is to find out what kind of job I want..
I have always wanted to enter the health care sector..
Medicine seem almost impossible now..
I have also sort of given up on nursing after much dissuasion from my parents..
Hmm.. I chose Chemistry.. Should I go for a laboratory job?
I highly doubt I will ever go into teaching.. It's not my type..
Should I waste this degree and get a non-science job?
I kind of like customer service.. helping people..
I don't really like to sell.. So I don't think I'm going into sales..
Sigh.. Many or limited choices.. It's all in the mind..
I know the fact that I always have a choice..
It could even be whether I want to work or not, let alone the nature of the job..
Should I hope that a fairytale love story might happen to me?
It seem pretty unrealistic in this time and place..
Should I keep dreaming until reality comes to give me a wake up call?
There isn't much advice I can get on this aspect of life..
People have different experiences.. And there are so many variables to life..
Hmm.. I don't really know what I am thinking right now..
I feel lost at where I am heading in life..
There isn't much planning that I can do with whatever I have..
I have nothing actually..
My qualification means nothing compared to many other graduates..
My looks are just average in comparison with many girls..
Sigh.. the miseries of being average..
i am who i am
4/22/2009 01:33:00 AM
I am having one of those fat days again..
If I don't think about it, I actually feel quite satisfied with how I am looking..
But if I give some thought about it, it is a totally different story..
First, I am not light.. I weigh over 50kg..
I might be what some might call big boned.. But I am actually not..
I just have more flesh.. or fat..
I know where are the areas where I store my fats..
I do have quite a bit of muscles.. But the fats make the whole body look flabby..
I know that I don't really have much fashion sense..
I usually go for clothes that are comfortable..
I don't put on any make up.. Actually I don't really know how to..
No one has ever taught me how.. My mother doesn't really put on make up too..
And she doesn't have much to teach me anyway..
What she taught me so far was applying foundation, lipstick, lipgloss.. That's all..
Anything other than these are beyond her abilities..
And I am too proud to be learning from my younger sister..
I have experimented a few times but erm.. I sort of fail most of the time..
So I tried to bluff myself that being natural is the best look for me..
Self hypnotizing do worked mostly.. until I am told that I would look better with make up..
Hm.. I saw the photos of my primary school classmate on Facebook..
Never saw her since I have gotten my PSLE results..
She used to be big and maybe a little fat? (comparing just between us..)
Now she looked slim and pretty.. Quite far from what she was back then..
I guess I still look the same.. The same old Sandra since 10 years ago.. Boring..
I still have the boring hairstyle.. boring clothes.. boring face.. boring body..
Nothing much changed except for some weight gain..
I should probably restart on my running plans..
I really need to lose those extra weights hanging the tummy and buttocks..
I think I should also lose a size.. I guess I am slightly bigger than the average girls?
I feel bad about myself when I see slim girls in skinny jeans.. in pretty dresses.. in nicer clothes..
I don't even dare to wear those.. I keep feeling the need to hide the many body flaws I have..
I have flabby tummy.. Fat butt.. Big thighs and thick calves..
I am so shy about my body that there are tons of clothes that I don't dare to try..
Being brought up the conservative way, meant that I shouldn't reveal too much either..
Sigh.. How to go shopping with so many problems? And the bad economy worsen the problems..
I guess I need a serious makeover..
I need to lose some body mass around the fat areas..
I need to learn how to make up..
I need to learn how to dress well..
I need to make myself feel more confident..
I need some help here..
How to start? Go on TV? Haha.. Very paisei leh.. I very shy one..
I don't have the money to go to slimming centres.. Or even do liposuction.. Lol..
I am already trying to watch my diet..
What's missing now is exercise..
I am just too lazy to run la.. Nobody to run with.. My sister gave up after 2 days..
Sigh.. Maybe I should return to my method of self hypnotizing.. Haha..
i am who i am
4/21/2009 12:56:00 AM
Today is just too warm for me..
So warm that even the wind is blowing hot air..
Turning the fan on full blast and bathing multiple times a day doesn't help much..
I guess that I should be heading for the libraries this reading week very soon..
And I think that the only sounds that I like to hear most now are thunders and rain..
Like on my MSN nick, I am really having seconds thoughts about the cold..
This hot weather is going to change that perspective if it doesn't improve soon..
i am who i am
4/19/2009 03:20:00 AM
Haha.. I wondered if I had ever shared my dream with anyone..
I dream of having a happy family with a couple of kids.. because it's too lonely to have only one..
I guess that's the most basic that I can ever think of..
Don't ask me about career.. I have never really thought hard enough about it..
I kind of like my mother's permament job.. Housewife or the better word for it - Homemaker..
I think it's quite cool to stay at home, look after the kids, do whatever you want..
No need to get pissed off by bosses because you are the boss at home.. =)
Well, i think the most difficult part might be keeping the house in good shape..
But it should be managable.. Just some daily routines if you get used to it..
Sweeping, mopping, wiping, washing, cooking..
Manage your time and I guess the rest of it is for fun!
Well.. I think my mother had time for fun after all the chores..
We had time to play games or go shopping..
She also often goes to my grandparents place for mahjong..
And the job becomes easier as the kids grow up..
Less need to take care of them.. They can also help with the chores..
But all these are just daydreaming..
I doubt it can work in the 21st century even though it worked in my mother's era..
Hence, work to me is just another source of income for the family or at least for my own expenditure..
Don't ask me why I studied chemistry.. I don't know..
I studied for a degree because it improves the chances of landing in a job with better pay and prospects..
Anyway, working wasn't really part of my big dream..
My dream is to have a family.. Know many people.. Tour the world.. Live a simple life..
I studied so much and ended where I am today because the opportunities are available for me to do so..
Because my parents hope for me to do so..
Because I am following the society norm..
Well, I guess my simple dream couldn't be that difficult to fulfill..
A few more weeks to graduation!!
i am who i am
4/11/2009 03:27:00 PM
I found out that I was pms-ing for the past few days..
I have been picking on small little things that my family were doing..
I was angry at my mother for ignoring me..
I was irritated by the loud music my sister was plasying..
I was angry at my brother for eating the chilli crab cup noodle that I paid for..
I opposed almost anything that my father tried to discuss with me..
I wondered if it's stress from the tests or pms..
But it seemed that I am not happy with how things worked this week..
Sigh.. Stupid practical sessions, tests and quiz..
The worst week ever this semester!
But there's like only less than a month's time away from the end of my university life..
Wondered if I should be happy or sad..
I like learning new things.. But I hate exams!!
I don't know if I will like to work.. But I like to have my own money to spend..
I don't think that I'll be going on a graduation trip..
I should most probably be saving up and hunting jobs after I graduate..
i am who i am
4/10/2009 04:52:00 PM
Quoted from my lecturer today during the mass tutorial,
"If an alien from Mars was to see me here now, it will think that I am crazy. Because I am asking the questions and also answering them myself..."
i am who i am
4/03/2009 10:24:00 PM
Hmm.. I realized today that if we start noticing the little things around us, we can see that the world is very amazing and pretty..
That day while on the train, I saw the "sunrise" (it was more than an hour after the actual one)..
It was very nice.. The bright orange circle rising from behind the trees and clouds..
Today on the train again, I found the sky and clouds very beautiful..
If I had not lend my newspaper to the elderly couple who were ogling at it, I would not have noticed the sky..
The sky was in a nice shade of blue with patches of clouds decorating it..
Because the clouds were quite scattered, their shapes and size can be seen very clearly..
If I could capture all that images I saw, I would definitely share it with everyone..
i am who i am
4/03/2009 10:10:00 PM
